Advice for a Caterpillar

Shockwave. Nightmares. Vortex. A few of my favourite rides at Canada’s Wonderland. For at least three consecutive summers as a kid it’s where my two brothers, my mom, and I would spend most of our time together. I guess we were adrenaline junkies. My grade five discours – an annual French speech competition – about the park presented to my class merited a second round in front of the whole school. Unfortunately I didn’t make it to the third and final round, but my knowledge of the park and confidence were solidified nonetheless. Now I can’t remember the last time I was there, nor the last time I had a desire to go – this old man’s stomach has grown intolerant of self-inflicted turbulence. It’s one of the many things that’s changed over the years.

Shockwave. Nightmares. Vortex. Three words to describe my state of mind. Initially, I was to come home to Toronto for three weeks in September, and then make my way back to Tanzania for another three month contract. Then, one Monday evening, sipping a beer in Stone Town, I got an e-mail saying it was no longer possible to extend my stay.

Relief.

I was surprised to feel it. I’ve been enjoying my time here so much that confusion rushed over me. It could have been that the company I was with at the time was departing for home soon after; that I missed home; that three months was really enough. Probably all three, and more. Two weeks from now I would be home getting back in the rhythm of Canadian life. Instead, I was offered an interesting opportunity -- Uniterra came back to me with a compromise that Friday.

“Four more months.” they said.

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. A map of how I would be spending the next six months in Toronto had already been pedaling in my head. Excitement came next, which slowly turned into a calm realization that, yes, I want this, I always wanted it. The only caveat is that visas are tricky in Tanzania. You can acquire one of three types: a short tourist visa, a three month business visa (mine), or a long term visa. The process to acquire the long term visa is lengthy and costly, so the organization offered to send me on a brief stint to Accra, Ghana as a buffer to apply for a new business visa. This would mean seven months away from home.

Self-doubt fought valiantly with self-assuredness, and ultimately lost. I accepted. But not without hesitation.

Shockwave never failed to make me sick. Even looking at the ride induced stomach knots. A stationary cylindrical structure that has multiple arm-like projections -- you get strapped into its limbs and are shaken till you get a headache. There doesn’t seem to be any method to the madness, it spins you around in random spurts. You’re left needing a stationary break, but at the same time you want to get to the next ride because the park closes in an hour. The invigorating excitement of being completely new to a country, but having a time-stamp on your stay -- something that fells tourists everywhere. Pausing to appreciate the little moments is often overcome by the urge to chase the next. Self-care and self-restraint are essential.

So, you adapt.

Nightmares was the most intimidating ride I had ever seen. To the untrained eye, a harmless green version of a merry-go-round. To the ride warrior, a high velocity spinning wheel of exhilarating nausea. The fact that I developed the confidence to brave it is likely why it was a go-to. As it slowly begins to rotate, gravity pins your trembling body evenly against the metal bars that cage you in. As hard as you try, you can’t peel yourself from the frame while the ride is engaged. From afar, volunteering abroad is nothing more than a brand new experience to shake up your world. But you really have no idea what it is, and once you’ve begun, it’s difficult to disengage; every time you step outside your front door you have to be on – aware, vigilant, present, focused. Being on for another four months makes me anxious. Anxious for inevitable burnout.

And adapt.

Vortex speeds you around the 100 foot high track at 90 kilometers per hour. Your cart is suspended from the track by nothing more than a metal bar, swinging back and forth, side to side, around the sharp corners. Not even your riding partner can comfort you here. 10 year old Ben thought it was electrifying. Hanging in midair now is a far cry from that feeling 13 years ago. I would rather be on solid ground, at least in physical terms. Solid ground, however, falls away when a wrench gets tossed in your plans – an increasingly common occurrence. Stability is not static.

Adapt. Adapt until you break, or you break the cocoon.

Days here end just as those at Canada’s Wonderland do; you come home and are unable to do much else. Maybe grab a bite, watch a movie, and get to bed early. Sometimes even making food is a strain -- ramen has become a close friend. Running’s been stowed in the back of my mind, tucked neatly behind Vortex, Nightmares, and Shockwave. I tell myself it will always be there, this eases any pressing guilt of not lacing up and getting out the door. Something that was once the axis upon which my existence revolved is now gathering dust in the corner of the room. It’s one of the many things that’s changed over the last few months.

You’re drawn to Wonderland by the lights, sounds, and stories that your friends have told you. Though, there isn’t enough justice in them simply describing what you experience on Shockwave, Nightmares, and Vortex. You have to see it -- feel it -- for yourself. And after you’ve conquered the beginner rides, you go back the next summer hoping you’re tall enough and brave enough to ride the Behemoth or, if mom says it’s okay, Leviathan! I’ve conquered my shockwaves, nightmares, and vortexes. I’ve traded my season’s pass for another plane ticket.

You knew this sentence would pop up somewhere; it’s been a roller-coaster of emotions. But, here we go again on the rickety climb to the top, uncomfortably anticipating another drop. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And hey, there’s always Zanzibar if another break is needed, right mom?

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Off to Accra, Ghana on Sept. 7 for 1 month, back to Tanzania in October, home to Canada for Christmas. See you then!